ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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