I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
