A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
