Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
