Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
