The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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