Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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