Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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