im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
you never un-have a 4some
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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