just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize