if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
two words...techno handjob
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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