I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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