I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
