dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
