Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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