he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
