What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
