Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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