a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
