Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
