i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I have aggressive nipples.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
