Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize