Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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