Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
