what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
