I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize