This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I need to stop coming to work sober
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
