dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
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