Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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