the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It's official drugs can't kill me
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize