i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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