he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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