I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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