proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Randomize
