Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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