i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
