I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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