thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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