weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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