I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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