we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
