Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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