apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
