I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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