we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
