they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
