your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
