I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
