OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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