the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
