y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
