We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
