I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
