I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
