remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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