He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
