i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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