on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
