If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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