we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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