and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
