We won't sleep together?
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
