your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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