i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
