I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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