hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
