pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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