found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
