just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
