Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
