That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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