So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize