I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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