I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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