I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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